Dating Advice for Women: He Sends the Sweetest Texts, But Hates the Phone

One of my recent dating coaching clients, Kathy who is 44 and divorced, told me she met a man on match.com. One particular guy, Brad, caught her attention and they started emailing. She was excited about how they really connected. So, Kathy suggested they talk on the phone and he agreed. They spoke on the phone twice, emailed and he texted her a lot. Even though they live miles apart, Kathy was very hopeful because of all his texting, and started thinking her budding romance might go some place.

He Doesn’t Like the Phone
So what’s her issue? Brad doesn’t like to talk on the phone and his texting is kind of superficial. She excused this based on his bad breakup with is wife. She looked to herself as so many women do, wondering what she might have done wrong that makes Brad want to avoid the phone. Did she say something wrong or scare him? When they spoke on the phone, Brad seemed distant, but when they hung up, he texted her immediately that he was reading a book he thought she’d enjoy. Ahh, the fun of mixed signals.

Is He Just Nervous?
Kathy asked me if Brad could be nervous about getting close to women again. He seemed like a kind and an honest man. Even though Kathy as requested Brad call her, he texts late at night to say “wanted to call but had a long day, too tired – sleep well. I smiled today when I read your text.”

Maybe He Wants to Ease Into a Relationship
Making more excuses for him, Kathy thought maybe he just needed to ease into this relationship. Should she just come out and ask if he’s still interested? Kathy felt Brad wanted to keep things light to see what happens and luckily wasn’t in a rush. Yet, this nagged at her and made her feel slighted really that she’s not worth a phone call even if it was a hard day. Lastly, she pointed out that she didn’t want to be the one to moving the relationship forward all the time!

To wrap up, Kathy expressed how she really liked Brad and feels they have something. What was my perspective as her dating coach?

The Tough Part of Dating Coaching – Telling Clients the Hard Truth
As a dating coach for women dating after divorce and over 40, this is the part of my job that’s tough. I felt pretty certain Kathy’s “relationship” was going no where. But that’s why she hired me – to have someone objective in her corner to tell her the truth about her dating experiences. I explained to her that she had a texting pal with little hope of anything more.

She Hadn’t Met Him Yet
Brad’s bad break up or whether or not he likes talking on the phone are not the point. She hasn’t met the man and she already felt slighted. When you think about it that way, it’s not good is it?

There are men like this on the Internet. They really want limited interaction and this is a perfect situation for him. Texting – its easy to be sweet and a lazy style of communication when preferred over the phone or in person. On the other hand, when used as a supplement to the phone and actual face-to-face dates – sure, text away! But texts and emails are not a replacement for real conversation.

He’s Not Relationship Ready
This man is not ready for a real relationship. He likes knowing someone out there likes him, and enjoys your limited connection, keeping you at arm’s length. But he is not emotionally available or geographically desirable. And I’m suspect if he’s married or living with someone.

Find a Man Who Wants to Meet You
My advice to Kathy may have felt harsh, but the best thing she could do was to forget him and look for men in her area who are ready for a relationship and want to speak to her and MEET HER in person. You can’t date a man who won’t even talk on the phone. You deserve a man who wants to talk with you and see you face-to-face. I work with my dating coaching clients to get clear they shouldn’t settle for anything less.

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