A lot changed for Hannah Pennington when she was diagnosed with a degenerative muscular disease, including how she approached dating.
“I would actively hide my illness and my disabilities until I found myself ready,” the 35-year-old from Melbourne/Naarm says.
“Depending on the person, it might be after two dates, it might be after a month — and it was so taxing and exhausting to try and come across as someone who was full of energy [all the time].”
When Hannah would eventually disclose, she says it was to give people “an out”.
“I would frame it as a bit of a free pass, or get out of jail free card, before committing to anything further.”
When re-entering the dating world after ending a long-term relationship mid last year, Hannah decided to do things differently, putting the exhausting task of disguise behind her.
We spoke to Hannah about how she changed tack when it came to dating, and what she’s learnt along the way.
These are her words.
Revealing my ‘secret’
I knew dating someone with disabilities can be quite complex at times. It can change the dynamic in a relationship.
And I’ve been in situations where it’s created a power imbalance.
I used to say to people [after a few dates]: this is my story, this is your chance to end things with me now, if you feel like this is going to be something way too heavy for you to deal with.
It felt like revealing a big secret.
I could tell with some people it really changed the dynamic, of even just the dating experience.
Hannah Pennington says disclosing her disabliites would sometimes change the dynamic with romantic interests.
Some people would ask a lot of questions — which I loved. I love when people want to know more. It gives me a sense of them trying to understand me.
Others would never mention it again. It didn’t feel respectful, even though they probably believed they were doing the right thing.
But it completely shut me down, like they were not interested at all.
That would end things pretty quickly.
Failing the empathy test
When disclosing, I would let people know I have a chronic pain disorder.
Sharing I had a muscular disease was more scary and, I felt, harder for people to understand.
I would say “Hey, just letting you know I have a chronic pain disorder and this can mean sometimes at short notice I will be in a considerable pain, out of my control, and all I can do is take some medication that makes me feel better, but drowsy, meaning I can’t drive and will likely be staying home in bed.”
I remembering giving that spiel to one guy, and the next time we were supposed to catch up, it just so happened that my pain was considerably bad.
Our date was in the afternoon, and I texted him to let him know [I was in pain] when I woke up that morning.
He just replied: “K”.
We had been talking for probably a couple of months.
He seemed really kind when we were together, we got on well, we had good banter, and when it came down to the crunch that I needed to take some time because I was unwell, there was no “Hope you feel better soon” or “Let me know if you want to reschedule”, nothing at all.
Getting my power back
Once I was single again [after ending a long-term relationship], I just thought, that kind of tactic where I … hide things, where I would wait to share … clearly didn’t work.
Part of managing my chronic pain was getting my power back by saying, “Actually, I shouldn’t have to hide parts of me.”
My disabilities and my health may be hard parts, and parts I often struggle with, but they’re not actually Hannah Pennington.
I’m so much more than my disabilities, and I don’t feel like I need to have that disguise anymore.
I shouldn’t feel ashamed of what is going on with my body. It’s completely out of my control. And actually … having chronic pain and a degenerative muscular disease has made me a much more empathetic and compassionate person.
Hannah says her disabilities and illness are a part of her, but not all of her.
Every person has their stuff. It might not be a disability or health condition, but everybody has stuff they maybe wish they could disguise.
I was learning to be my authentic self and then projecting that. And whoever can’t take it, that’s fine, they wouldn’t be a good long-term partner anyway.
Finding love
I was really lucky to fall in love with someone at the end of last year, who I’m still dating.
Right off the bat on the first date, I talked about everything, and he just listened, and asked questions, and that’s all he’s continued to do throughout our relationship.
I’ve never felt that I’ve been able to be more authentically myself.
It feels so easy and so light to be in a relationship with someone who just takes me as I am.
And celebrates the good stuff about me which sometimes I can forget.
It’s a really beautiful place to be.
Not everyone’s story is the same
I really hope able-bodied people realise that no two people living with disability or chronic health conditions are going to have the same needs, or support.
I personally really appreciate when people ask questions. What are the limitations of your health conditions? What is it that you might need from a partner? Does it affect you daily, and if so, how?
Trying to understand the person, and not coming from a critical or intrusive place.
For people living with disability in the dating world, [I think it’s important to] just as best you can, try to be as authentic as possible.
If you’re looking for a long-term partnership, you don’t want to start a relationship with someone who doesn’t know what’s important to you.
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